Wednesday, 11 September 2013

What's Under That Corgi?

Much like Jeremy being a killer, this seems a touch unlikely...
We’re told in fantasy land that Jeremy Bamber is a bad sort who spends his days biting the heads off baby chicks and spitting out the beaks, or whatever it is that bad sorts do…

Anyway, full from chick heads and after implausibly and miraculously managing to murder his entire family without anyone having any evidence whatsoever and there being no witnesses, he also managed to fool the world into thinking his sister, Sheila, had actually committed the murders in a psychotic episode.

Yes he fooled them all – including one fellow by the name of Prof. Peter Vanezis who was the case pathologist. You see – obviously blinded by Bad Bamber’s brilliance rather than the actual truth – Vanezis ruled that indeed, it was a case of four murders and one suicide; that the “two gunshot wound” issue was no screaming anomaly to him and that, indeed, he had seen the same thing a number of times prior. He added Sheila would even have been able to move and walk for a short time after administering a first shot to herself.

Even when told by those clever coppers wot rumbled Bamber’s evil scheme that it was actually he who’d done it, he stated the theory was “almost too incredible to believe” and that for it to occur in this way; she would have to be under the influence of drugs (she was not) and that Jeremy would have to be a "nutter" (he is not).

So then I was thinkin’ to myself. He’s got it wrong – he must  have – everyone says Jeremy did it and why would they lie? It’s not like they anyone had motive or anything *cough*.

Then it clicked. It’s not the first time this man Vanezis has got a biggun’ wrong. He was called in to help investigate the death of Princess Diana and, here in fantasy land, that one’s not all it seems either. Some tabloids say the Queen did it, with a pistol smothered under a Corgi, others say it was the SAS and some argue she isn’t even dead!

So yes, I reasoned to myself. That’s it – if Jeremy Bamber was the murderer then Princess Diana is sat here next to me in fantasy land, the pair of us rocking brand new pink shorts from Primark and soaking up the rays. (I assume that’s what she’d do).

In reality of course (hello real world)… Peter Vanezis didn’t get either case wrong – that’s probably cos he’s good at his job, has done leading work for the Home Office and was named an OBE! Hardly an amateur.

Diana, sadly, is no longer with us and, for once, silly season should come and go without the tabloids hounding her from beyond her grave. Tragically, Sheila, Daniel, Nicholas, Nevill and June are all no longer with us, either – and Jeremy had about as much to do with their death as the Queen’s Corgi did with Diana’s.

So let’s stop the Bamber bashing HOBNOB, let’s allow Jeremy to finally grieve fully, as an innocent man…