Monday, 23 December 2013

Planet Zogg's Sleepy Juror...

The Daily Knobbler - 23/12/13

Jeremy Bamber is to be sensationally FREED following almost 30 years wrongfully imprisoned after a sleeping juror from his 1986 trial discovered the prosecution was "total hobnob", the Knobbler can exclusively reveal.

Despite there being no forensic evidence whatsoever to link him to the crime of shooting his entire family, Bamber was bafflingly jailed by a 10-2 majority almost three decades ago, the lowest 'majority' permitted.

However in a bombshell revelation, it has been discovered that one of the jurors sitting on the case  - a man named Shamjus Tiss - actually missed huge chunks of evidence presented, having wrapped himself in a in a duvet and snuggled down to sleepy times while the court was in session.

Now, having finally caught up with some of what he missed, Mr Tiss confirmed exclusively to the Knobbler that he will be retrospectively changing his vote towards Bamber's guilty verdict to 'not-guilty.' And, with no majority verdict in place, it's thought the prisoner is in the process of being released.

"I've got to be honest with you; I slept through most of the trial," Shamjus commented to us. "None of it seemed to make any sense to me and it was insufferably boring.

"Nope, none of it really made any sense - there was no evidence against him to speak of and all we heard about was how Bamber was flying around Essex in a wet-suit on some pink bicycle - or was that a dream, too?

"Anyway, I dropped off for about three days and when it came time to cast our votes, a lot of folks were telling me he was guilty, though not all of them. Another juror said to me that as they'd heard the silencer evidence again - while I had slept - that he must surely be guilty. Lest I look like a tit, I followed the majority and stuck my hand up for 'guilty.'

"But the other day I was looking around the internet and discovered a load of stuff I'd missed and thousands of documents that have since become available that show most of what was at court was nothing more than total hobnob."

Realising his error Mr Tiss - who'd lived on planet Zogg prior to his revelation but is thought now to be residing in the UK - phoned through his change-of-heart to a local police station, though the exact details of his call are unknown given to the fact that nobody at the station can read the clocks on the wall.

It's not believed the fact Mr Tiss is changing his mind retrospectively is likely to be a problem - authorities retrospectively upgraded Bamber's 25-year prison sentence more than 28 years ago without telling a soul and that was seen as perfectly acceptable. 

Planet Zogg is still thought to be the only place where Bamber's guilt is still believed.