Guest Blog: De Miller's Tale....

WHAT A DICK-Y BOW!

De Miller’s Tale 
Tolleshunt D’arcy Tales - by Jeffri Saucer

Twas in the in ye summer of ‘85
that there Bamber did shoot his familie,
I was in the farm house the day o’ the killin’
And I distinctly remembers,
That the laydie in question,
had a gun which had moved
each time I laid mine eye upon her.
I was a scratchin’ my head
because she’d been dead
For at least seven hours or Morse.

At first it was fun to be movin’ the gun
While we set about training our troops.
But we did look a bit thick
To find in our tricks
The camera had recorded them all.
From the body to window,
To the bed to the floor,
Did the gun move around
And much more.

Then after that date,
as statement I made
Leaving out true the notes
of my pocket book for sure.
Much later on when Dickinson he dun,
A review of the case some more,
The cat out o’ the bag did come,
From our own firearms boys
That the body had moven’ it’s self some more.

Then in ‘91 when,
I was almost done
For perverting the course of justice,
We was lucky enough,
to get one of ye olde friends,
From down City o’ London Police our way.
They beavered away,
with Barry McKay,
and wiped all away,
Our corruption charges hooray!

And so ends my tale
without going beyond the pale,
That appeal courts and nonsense
will never catch me by the tail,
I never left a good enough trail,
But I’ve made a few quid out of
Dr Who and Dickie Bows too.

Unlike in Chaucer
there has been no debaucher
no, bottoms, nor bums nor glee,
but it’s ok for me cos I get on T.V
to make more silver for me!

You'll Never Believe It!!

Have you heard the news? What a crazy day…

First I heard on the radio that we now have to eat SEVEN portions of fruit and vegetables per day to maintain a healthy lifestyle, upgraded from five.

Then I saw in my newspaper that chickens are starting to lay square eggs… Horrendous!

And now I’ve just discovered that we’re jailing innocent men… What’s going on there?

Word has it that, back in 1985, a young mother suffering from mental illness tragically took the lives of her parents and children before her own. Unbelievably traumatic, yes. But, without the support mechanisms that many of those in her condition would benefit from nowadays, it is not entirely unfathomable.

Anyway… soon after, folks started poking the finger at her brother, Jeremy. Not seemingly for any particular reason – i.e. him actually committing the offences  - but more likely out of either shame, embarrassment, greed or any share of the above.

In any case, I hear this Jeremy ended up in jail, and is still there! This despite the fact that he managed to apparently kill five persons (his own family in their own home, don’t forget) without leaving a single trace of evidence.

A fair few people buggered up and fluffed their lines here so tracks needed to be covered (like bicycle tracks in mud, only there weren’t any), lies needed to be told and corruption needed to be committed! Oh yeah it sounds like they had a right old knees-up making sure he took the fall.

What an affair. Flying bikes, wet suits, clocks that work backwards, tricks of the light, musical telephones and a bowl of sugar. And you did read me right – this was back in 1985. Nearly 30 years ago!

Okay, okay. APRIL FOOLS!!!!

 This news story was also not quite true...

Hahaha! Did I get you?? Sorry, I just couldn’t hold it in any more. I’ve just actually wet myself!

Come on. You didn’t actually think we’d jail someone for life for murdering five members of his own family without any evidence or fact to base the conviction on, did you?

You didn’t genuinely believe that the half-cocked, Jeremy-has-horns HOBNOB theories did you?

No, no. You silly beans. That sort of thing doesn’t happen in the real world. Happy April Fools, everyone!