Give us some.....privacy?

It's often said that "Google is your friend."

You must have heard it. When you need to know something reasonably obscure, like 'How much does a traffic cone weigh?' or 'Can a goldfish sing?', you'll often hear it said - Google is your friend. Indeed it is. I found the answers to both those questions ('up to 4.5kg' and 'yes' are apparently the answers??).

However it seems that if you want to take a non-literal stroll down Pages Lane in Essex and pop in for a virtual brew at White House Farm, you cannot.  Which is a shame, really.  Here's how it looked when a couple of friendly coppers were standing guard by the entrance to Pages Lane the afternoon after Jeremy Bamber supposedly killed his family:

So I decided I'd take to Google Maps and get myself down there. Except you can't. Sadly. You get stopped by the entrance to Pages Lane and are allowed go no further, a bit like 1985 all over again. :-(

Might it just simply be that Pages Lane is a private road and thus Mr Google was not allowed to take his camera car down there? Might it be that those now living at White House Farm (about a mile or so down and on the right - all publicly available information...) just want some privacy and to be left alone to their thoughts after all this time?

Well it appears not. Those crazy critters love a good camera! In fact, they've opened up the doors to White House Farm for so many documentaries that it's a wonder they don't stick a cafe in there and have everyone in for scones.  Look - here's Ann Eaton with one crew near the Aga cooker in the White House Farm kitchen:

Trauma and tragedy? It doesn't look like it. She'll show you what you need to know. Not sure what the caption here is but it may be she's saying  "My nails made this one, and we used a fork for the other one..." I obviously couldn't comment.

So if it isn't privacy they want, why can I not take Google for a ride? Have they something to hide?

I might well ask Google - it knows the answers to the craziest things, after all. I just typed in "How was Jeremy Bamber ever found guilty and why is his still in jail?"

The explanation is about as believable as a singing goldfish!

Guest Blog: De Miller's Tale....

WHAT A DICK-Y BOW!

De Miller’s Tale 
Tolleshunt D’arcy Tales - by Jeffri Saucer

Twas in the in ye summer of ‘85
that there Bamber did shoot his familie,
I was in the farm house the day o’ the killin’
And I distinctly remembers,
That the laydie in question,
had a gun which had moved
each time I laid mine eye upon her.
I was a scratchin’ my head
because she’d been dead
For at least seven hours or Morse.

At first it was fun to be movin’ the gun
While we set about training our troops.
But we did look a bit thick
To find in our tricks
The camera had recorded them all.
From the body to window,
To the bed to the floor,
Did the gun move around
And much more.

Then after that date,
as statement I made
Leaving out true the notes
of my pocket book for sure.
Much later on when Dickinson he dun,
A review of the case some more,
The cat out o’ the bag did come,
From our own firearms boys
That the body had moven’ it’s self some more.

Then in ‘91 when,
I was almost done
For perverting the course of justice,
We was lucky enough,
to get one of ye olde friends,
From down City o’ London Police our way.
They beavered away,
with Barry McKay,
and wiped all away,
Our corruption charges hooray!

And so ends my tale
without going beyond the pale,
That appeal courts and nonsense
will never catch me by the tail,
I never left a good enough trail,
But I’ve made a few quid out of
Dr Who and Dickie Bows too.

Unlike in Chaucer
there has been no debaucher
no, bottoms, nor bums nor glee,
but it’s ok for me cos I get on T.V
to make more silver for me!

You'll Never Believe It!!

Have you heard the news? What a crazy day…

First I heard on the radio that we now have to eat SEVEN portions of fruit and vegetables per day to maintain a healthy lifestyle, upgraded from five.

Then I saw in my newspaper that chickens are starting to lay square eggs… Horrendous!

And now I’ve just discovered that we’re jailing innocent men… What’s going on there?

Word has it that, back in 1985, a young mother suffering from mental illness tragically took the lives of her parents and children before her own. Unbelievably traumatic, yes. But, without the support mechanisms that many of those in her condition would benefit from nowadays, it is not entirely unfathomable.

Anyway… soon after, folks started poking the finger at her brother, Jeremy. Not seemingly for any particular reason – i.e. him actually committing the offences  - but more likely out of either shame, embarrassment, greed or any share of the above.

In any case, I hear this Jeremy ended up in jail, and is still there! This despite the fact that he managed to apparently kill five persons (his own family in their own home, don’t forget) without leaving a single trace of evidence.

A fair few people buggered up and fluffed their lines here so tracks needed to be covered (like bicycle tracks in mud, only there weren’t any), lies needed to be told and corruption needed to be committed! Oh yeah it sounds like they had a right old knees-up making sure he took the fall.

What an affair. Flying bikes, wet suits, clocks that work backwards, tricks of the light, musical telephones and a bowl of sugar. And you did read me right – this was back in 1985. Nearly 30 years ago!

Okay, okay. APRIL FOOLS!!!!

 This news story was also not quite true...

Hahaha! Did I get you?? Sorry, I just couldn’t hold it in any more. I’ve just actually wet myself!

Come on. You didn’t actually think we’d jail someone for life for murdering five members of his own family without any evidence or fact to base the conviction on, did you?

You didn’t genuinely believe that the half-cocked, Jeremy-has-horns HOBNOB theories did you?

No, no. You silly beans. That sort of thing doesn’t happen in the real world. Happy April Fools, everyone!

Bews' Views - Tell Me Whatcha See!

Hello. Two in as many days you lucky people you.

I always say there are a number of reasons why we know that Jeremy Bamber shouldn't be in jail – the chief reason being that he didn't kill his family for starters, and you’d think that would be enough!

But there are more, including the fact that Jeremy’s version of what happened outside the house when he stood next to police has never changed once – not one single time, in the last near-30 years. So you’d reckon Jeremy might top Nelly the Elephant in the memory stakes. His recall is good.

Now you would reckon that, were he a guilty man, then the Police account would be the one that stands steadfast instead of having more holes than a sieve. Alas, this proves not to be the case at all. But don’t take my word for it. Have a watch of this, courtesy of PC Bews - one of the officers on duty at WHF that fateful night:



What do you make of that then? Now, if Jeremy was the one who ‘saw’ it and was the one who tried to persuade people, it might reflect (no pun intended) badly on him. A diversion, evil Bamber, a ruse, a distraction, a red herring! But if it really was Jeremy, then why does PC Bews recall in another interview that, not only was it his actually his fellow officer who saw it, but also that he had an entire conversation with him about it!

You might forget what colour shoes you were wearing after 30 years or what colour the front door was – you might have thought it was a hedgehog you trod in running around the outside of the house, throwing shapes to the sound of ‘Dancing in the Moonlight’ when in actual fact it was dog shit. But to ‘mistakenly’ recall an entire conversation with a fellow officer at one of the most crucial points of the most notable night of your career? No, I’m afraid not. He recalls the conversation because that’s how it happened. 

Jeremy, I'm afraid, saw nothing – in that sense at least. And they didn't actually bop about on the White House Farm lawns to ‘Dancing in the Moonlight,’ either –cos there was no moonlight that night, being an overcast affair.

A trick of the light with no light source? Doubtful. Movement inside the house, proving Jeremy’s innocence? I fear so. Bews’ Views may have changed more times than we can count over the years  but alas, he’s been backed up and mean old Jeremy has been told he must stop picking on him about it.

I reckon, like Nelly the Elephant, it’s about time we all packed our trunks and said goodbye to the circus. Nominations for the cannonball, anyone??!

Beadle Bamber!

Hiya!

Poor old Jeremy. Beadle, that is. He's dead now, lord rest his soul.  Which is a pity, cos the nation was robbed of seeing his greatest ever 'Beadle's About' prank.

It happened a year or so before the show started being shown on the telly. It was 1985 and Beadle and his chums were cruising round Essex trying to pick up the ladies... Rolling around town, elbows out the window, tops off and stereos up. Got the picture? Good.

Well, just as some of Picasso's early scribblings were about as impressive as a noodle on a poodle, it turned out that some of Beadle's 'pranks' weren't too clever, either. Like the one that never saw the light of day from White House Farm.

They weren't even supposed to be there. They were probably due to head to the nearest railway line to tie a lady to the track then cut her loose just as the steam engine whizzed passed her bum. She squeals, punches Beadle then realises the hilarity of it all when he discovers it was a prank and ends up rolling about laughing.

Instead they ended up a White House Farm, dressed as firearms officers. They were seemingly unaware of the real-life tragedy that saw members of a family killed and ended up making a right arse of affairs. They smashed through the door with a sledgehammer for some reason, started a food fight with a bowl of sugar and played Hunt the Thimble using sound moderators. Not clever!

All of it was recorded, too. Not only on audio but on the cameras built into their 'firearms' vests. Of course when they realised the error of their ways they took all the incriminating evidence and sent it off the Motorway and set fire to it, or something. So the world would be none the wiser and Beadle would get his TV show!

Well... of course, 90% of that is HOBNOB. I'm fairly sure Beadle wasn't involved that fateful night. It unfortunately wasn't filmed with vest cameras - though had it happened nowadays it might well have been, given that that's how firearms teams are to be equipped going forward.

The bits that are true, though?   That'd be the bit where the firearms team did make an absolute arse of things, did smash the door down with a sledgehammer. Police did record the audio of the whole thing and that evidence was destroyed. All fact.  The truest fact of all? Jeremy Bamber is in prison for killing his entire family and the world knows he didn't do it. It's so farcical that not even Beadle would've touched it with a bargepole. And that's saying something - he convinced one woman that the aliens had landed in her garden!

Honestly, it's out of this world...

Planet Zogg's Sleepy Juror...

The Daily Knobbler - 23/12/13

Jeremy Bamber is to be sensationally FREED following almost 30 years wrongfully imprisoned after a sleeping juror from his 1986 trial discovered the prosecution was "total hobnob", the Knobbler can exclusively reveal.

Despite there being no forensic evidence whatsoever to link him to the crime of shooting his entire family, Bamber was bafflingly jailed by a 10-2 majority almost three decades ago, the lowest 'majority' permitted.

However in a bombshell revelation, it has been discovered that one of the jurors sitting on the case  - a man named Shamjus Tiss - actually missed huge chunks of evidence presented, having wrapped himself in a in a duvet and snuggled down to sleepy times while the court was in session.

Now, having finally caught up with some of what he missed, Mr Tiss confirmed exclusively to the Knobbler that he will be retrospectively changing his vote towards Bamber's guilty verdict to 'not-guilty.' And, with no majority verdict in place, it's thought the prisoner is in the process of being released.

"I've got to be honest with you; I slept through most of the trial," Shamjus commented to us. "None of it seemed to make any sense to me and it was insufferably boring.

"Nope, none of it really made any sense - there was no evidence against him to speak of and all we heard about was how Bamber was flying around Essex in a wet-suit on some pink bicycle - or was that a dream, too?

"Anyway, I dropped off for about three days and when it came time to cast our votes, a lot of folks were telling me he was guilty, though not all of them. Another juror said to me that as they'd heard the silencer evidence again - while I had slept - that he must surely be guilty. Lest I look like a tit, I followed the majority and stuck my hand up for 'guilty.'

"But the other day I was looking around the internet and discovered a load of stuff I'd missed and thousands of documents that have since become available that show most of what was at court was nothing more than total hobnob."

Realising his error Mr Tiss - who'd lived on planet Zogg prior to his revelation but is thought now to be residing in the UK - phoned through his change-of-heart to a local police station, though the exact details of his call are unknown given to the fact that nobody at the station can read the clocks on the wall.

It's not believed the fact Mr Tiss is changing his mind retrospectively is likely to be a problem - authorities retrospectively upgraded Bamber's 25-year prison sentence more than 28 years ago without telling a soul and that was seen as perfectly acceptable. 

Planet Zogg is still thought to be the only place where Bamber's guilt is still believed. 

Karma Has Dreadlocks...

Hello. A wise bear once told me "...if you do bad things, bad things will happen to you - that's just karma."   The bear was right you know.

I'm a nice blogger who does nice things, yet bad things do still happen to me - I stubbed my toe the other day. Horrific. So you know it isn't an exact science, but the theme is generally sound.

Jeremy Bamber is a good egg; he doesn't do bad things like stealing schoolkids' lunch money, farting at a vicar or murdering his entire family, for instance. Yet bad things are happening to him - like spending about 30 years in prison as an innocent man. Not good.

However, karma is alive and well in some parts of Essex and beyond. Some might say that those who spend their time collecting things like hoover dust and vast, vast amounts of sound moderators have indeed done some naughty things in their time, so what might become of them?

If life has a natural justice, then it shall come to pass that they'll be violated quite substantially by this lady. Her name is Kharma. She's a professional wrestler, you know. And a big one at that. Look at the size of her.

You wouldn't want her to leap on top of you now would you? No sir. I am afraid however it may be unavoidable. The folk who conspired to send Jeremy to prison will soon gaze into the future and see this hurtling towards them at considerable speed, albeit in a metaphorical way. We couldn't possibly afford to hire "Kharma" to go around and sit on them all, as quirky as that would be.

A glimpse into the future!

So, like any good soap opera and like any good professional wrestling match, karma tends to follow a bit of a script and the outcome is already determined - life merely allows us to live through to that ending. For those of us with the power to think independently (and the ability to count bodies accurately and tell the difference between 'male' and 'female'...); what happens next is clear.

Kharma's a bitch! She also looks good with dreadlocks...

The Generation Gap!

Ahh Bruce Forsyth. What an institution, what an icon - what a chin!

I did enjoy his Generation Game back in the day. What super telly that was. Do you remember it? The conveyor belt, the cuddly toy, the "didn't they do well?!"  Yep, real majesty. Some people playing the game were pretty good, too. Some of them not so much. It got me thinking about the extended relatives of Jeremy Bamber, the man rather bafflingly jailed for murdering his entire family despite, er, not actually having murdered his entire family. Always thought that was amazing, too.

Anyhow, what pulled it all together for me was this absolute scream of a read in the East Anglian Daily Times. Have a look:

Feature: Osea Road Leisure Park

It is essentially a super-duper review of how splendid business is at the thriving Osea Road Leisure Park in Maldon, Essex. It talks to you about how current head honcho Janie Robison is the latest in a sterling line of family members through the generations to have worked at, in or around the facility as its ownership has passed on over the years.

The only thing that stops this feature being right up there with #1 Best Selling Book* "Framing Bamber For Dummies" is the fact that there is a massive gap in there somewhere. About a 20-year gap, I'd say.  It's an exhaustive read about how awesome the family are and how they've pulled together, stayed close and battled adversity to grow this seemingly dead-end bizz into a real Essex superpower. Good on them. Except there's no mention of June Bamber - sister to Janie's granny Pamela Boutflour - who ran the entire show for two decades. That's a pretty big gap in the Generation game, folks!

I can't think of why that is. Granted, they didn't pen the article themselves - and you'd never read mum Ann's handwriting anyhow (something about a big footprint or something? *shrugs*) but why are they not pushed on this particular part in the businesses history?  Might it be because, as they see it, Houdini Jeremy killed June and the rest of the family and they wish to forget all of that, even if it means blotting her out? Possibly, but they certainly benefited financially from his conviction emphatically enough and managed to keep the same lampshades and wallpaper in the apparent killing house, so it's a theory hardly likely.

Could it be the fact that Jeremy's relatives had motive to lie in court at Jeremy's trial and covered up the fact that they would indeed be much, much better off were he imprisoned? Could it be that, as part of what they later inherited, Osea Road Leisure Park is actually a painful reminder of the past for this reason rather than the loss of Jeremy's mum, dad, sister and nephews?

I won't go on and on and theorise and make accusations - I'll only repeat the simple fact based in irrefutable proof: they DID have considerable motive to lie in court at Jeremy's trial and the jury were never told the full story.

The funny thing is, we're asked to believe Jeremy Bamber killed his family for money and are told we can accept that as motive. Yet it's apparently inconceivable that extended family members who stand to inherit and benefit financially can play a role in the imprisonment of a man who is innocent because to say so is fanciful. If I asked you to kill a man or frame a man, which would you think were easiest to do? Certainly it is a true fact that Ann Eaton said she could 'live with' Jeremy being imprisoned despite being innocent. 

Still, we rock on and the fight continues. I keep the theme tune to the Generation Game in mind.  "Life," it says, "is the name of the game, and I wanna play the game with YOU!"

Given he's had near 30 years in jail, there are those who indeed tried to "play the game" when it came to Jeremy's life. They're now about to lose very, very badly and this time there isn't a cuddly toy big enough to make the pain go away.

But didn't they do well!!

* Sold once, but it was bloody well used.

Bamber Book Club

I do love a good read and write session, you know. That’s why I made a blog after all. Can’t beat a good book.

So it got me thinking: What if Jeremiah Bamberoonie (Jeremy Bamber to you and I) wrote himself a book about the adventures, thrills and spills of the last 30-or-so years? What form might it take?

After all, that whole suffering the devastating loss of your whole family with absolutely no victim support, being accused of killing them with absolutely no evidence whatsoever and then imprisoned for life for it – despite that imprisonment being totally illegal in itself….  Yes, I’m sure that’s a real squeal of a tale and would give 50 Shades a run for its money in terms of sauce!

Seriously,  Jeremy will be free soon enough, that’s for sure, and if he ever feels like penning his story then it will definitely shame a lot of people. For now, we can only speculate. It could look like this, for instance:

GOOD BOOK?

Sort of like an Alcatraz-cum-Shawshank excitement feel to it, don’t you think? I like the idea that it’s all about to change and that for the clutch of weirdos who happily made this happen to him there will be no way back. So yes, I suspect it might be something like that.

If that’s the ‘good eggs’, what about the ‘bad eggs’? Any idea what their book would look like?

Well, funny you should ask – cos I’ve managed to snare me a copy. I did enquire originally if I could be sent a copy but was told that they had all been destroyed/could not be traced, and yet low and behold, I found it! Bit of a recurring theme.

Anyway, here it is:

BAD BOOK!

The ‘explains-all’ textbook on how to imprison Jeremy Bamber. Would go very nicely with the Cooking with Jeremy tutorial, from a past blog.

Just as well it’s an idiot’s guide, eh?

Bamber, Tea Monster

BAMBER HATES TEA CHIMP.... (Apparently)

Ooooh I tell you, that Bamber - he's really gone and done it now! Flipping heck! I'm livid, fuming, angry, furious and hopping mad!

Why such commotion, you ask? Well, Jeremy's latest blog of course. Haven't you read it? Of course you haven't read it, you'd be marching outside Full Sutton with flimsy banners proclaiming "BAMBER'S A BEAST!" if you'd read it.

Let me fill you in. Jeremy Bamber prefers coffee and for the life of him cannot stand to drink tea. Can you believe that?? Leaves a fur on the tongue, he says. The sheer cheek of the man. I know, I know - your blood must be boiling!

Think of those poor PG Tips monkeys, for instance. They'll be out of a job after this. Those fellas from Tetley? No chance - out on the street; homeless and penniless, and it'll be all Jeremy's fault.

He's done some things in his time (apparently taking the lives of his entire family without leaving a single trace of evidence or being spotted by a single witness, for instance - what a feat of apparent majesty that was...) but this takes the biscuit - the tea and biscuit, that is!

Of course, in reality, I should wind my neck in and stop making such a song and dance out of everything Jeremy has to say. I guess it's just what I'm used to. He said he was innocent, how they shouted... He said he feared his sister, mentally ill, may have been behind the killings - how they lambasted him. He said he would fight until one day he was free... My, how they said it was HOBNOB.

In reality of course, much of what Jeremy says is true and isn't at all sensational. Especially the bit about one day being free - thankfully we can all count on that one being virtually gospel. As for his latest blog? He's starting a 29th year in prison as an innocent man. Now that'd be worth getting angry about, wouldn't it? 

As ever, the clock ticks and the tide turns. Slowly? Yes, but it turns...

What's Under That Corgi?

Much like Jeremy being a killer, this seems a touch unlikely...

We’re told in fantasy land that Jeremy Bamber is a bad sort who spends his days biting the heads off baby chicks and spitting out the beaks, or whatever it is that bad sorts do…

Anyway, full from chick heads and after implausibly and miraculously managing to murder his entire family without anyone having any evidence whatsoever and there being no witnesses, he also managed to fool the world into thinking his sister, Sheila, had actually committed the murders in a psychotic episode.

Yes he fooled them all – including one fellow by the name of Prof. Peter Vanezis who was the case pathologist. You see – obviously blinded by Bad Bamber’s brilliance rather than the actual truth – Vanezis ruled that indeed, it was a case of four murders and one suicide; that the “two gunshot wound” issue was no screaming anomaly to him and that, indeed, he had seen the same thing a number of times prior. He added Sheila would even have been able to move and walk for a short time after administering a first shot to herself.

Even when told by those clever coppers wot rumbled Bamber’s evil scheme that it was actually he who’d done it, he stated the theory was “almost too incredible to believe” and that for it to occur in this way; she would have to be under the influence of drugs (she was not) and that Jeremy would have to be a "nutter" (he is not).

So then I was thinkin’ to myself. He’s got it wrong – he must  have – everyone says Jeremy did it and why would they lie? It’s not like they anyone had motive or anything *cough*.

Then it clicked. It’s not the first time this man Vanezis has got a biggun’ wrong. He was called in to help investigate the death of Princess Diana and, here in fantasy land, that one’s not all it seems either. Some tabloids say the Queen did it, with a pistol smothered under a Corgi, others say it was the SAS and some argue she isn’t even dead!

So yes, I reasoned to myself. That’s it – if Jeremy Bamber was the murderer then Princess Diana is sat here next to me in fantasy land, the pair of us rocking brand new pink shorts from Primark and soaking up the rays. (I assume that’s what she’d do).

In reality of course (hello real world)… Peter Vanezis didn’t get either case wrong – that’s probably cos he’s good at his job, has done leading work for the Home Office and was named an OBE! Hardly an amateur.

Diana, sadly, is no longer with us and, for once, silly season should come and go without the tabloids hounding her from beyond her grave. Tragically, Sheila, Daniel, Nicholas, Nevill and June are all no longer with us, either – and Jeremy had about as much to do with their death as the Queen’s Corgi did with Diana’s.

So let’s stop the Bamber bashing HOBNOB, let’s allow Jeremy to finally grieve fully, as an innocent man…

Guest Blog: The Daily Knobbler - 08/09/1955

Jeremy ‘The Flash’ Bamber in BMX Row.

THERE IS much speculation over how Jeremy ‘The Flash’ Bamber, who murdered his family, got to and from the scene in 9 minutes. It is suspected that he was aided by ET (Speilberg’s Extra Terrestrial,) and a team of boys on BMX bicycles.

Witness, Mr Dolly Pargeter, a cousin, told the Daily Knobble in and exclusive interview, “Yeah man I was just snorting up another line when I saw Jeremy Bamber flying over the village of Tolleshunt D’arcy with an alien like creature wearing a sheet. I had to rub my eyes when I saw him dropping off pre arranged drugs deal in an air drop.”

It is believed that torches found in hedges in the surrounding area were used to guide in the BMX’s which were still being peddled by Bamber and his cronies as they left the scene flying up to 30 metres above ground level.

Related News

What's that Mr Boutflour? Bamber's wasn't THAT kinda wet suit? Ohh...

It was also reported that a flying ‘Wet Suit’ rained down from the midnight sky and slapped Mr Robert Boutflour in the face as he sat fabricating his accounts so people would believe he wasn’t poor and wasn’t living off money from his mother in law. Mr Boutflour, was in fact such a rubbish farmer that he couldn’t afford to buy his own daughter’s land when she and her husband fell into financial difficulty. Instead the Boutflour’s and Eaton’s had to go ‘cap in hand’ to the late Nevill Bamber to bail out the couple, buying their land in a secret contract before he died. This was unknown to Jeremy Bamber and the jury wont be told this when they specifically ask if Mr Boutflour has motive to lie in court.

Mr Boutflour told The Daily Knobbler, “I thought to myself God almighty, if the boys down at the Masonic Lodge find out I’ve got no cash and I’m scabbing off the mother in law I shall be black balled. So I had to make some s**t up. I didn’t want to over egg the pudding too much but Jeremy Bamber is a ‘quee-ar’, looks like a queue-ar and sounds like a quee-ar, and as far as I am concerned he told me that he was going to shoot his family . . . .  when we were alone of course. It’s ‘in the bag’ because one of the old boys at the lodge is the N & J Bamber company solicitor, so he will ‘sort it’ for me.”

EXCLUSIVE VIDEO: Mr Boutlfour and his Solicitor discuss the fact that Bamber is probably a Quee-ar... You know, cos that's relevant. Well, that and bullsh*t!!

Flat Planet's Guilty Myth

Where the other half presumably live...

Hello blog lovers.

It's funny, isn't it; how the world changes as the years go by and how our beliefs and fascinations change - we learn the awkward truth about the festive fatty (sorry, still bitter I didn't get that set of pink fluffy handcuffs that one time), the tooth fairy and the like. It's been the same all through time - lest we forget at one stage we all believed the earth was flat and that we'd all fall off if we travelled far enough. I could name thousands!

Our man Bamber's case is a bit like that you know, except over time some of us have become a lot better at growing out of certain myths than others. For instance:

- You know that dragonflies don't sew your lips shut - they don't have any needles, silly.
- You know you won't really become a zombie if you don't hold your breath when you pass a cemetery (seriously).
- You know your face won't stick that way if you pull a funny face as the wind changes (though I know of a lady's that has and she ain't never comin round to change my bedsheets...)

It's all just stuff people want you to keep believing. So why is that the silly sausages of the guilty brigade still try and shove decades' old horse crap into our faces?

You see, we didn't always know for a fact that Nevill, Jeremy's father, called the Police. But then the facts of the matter arrived and we discovered that he did.  It was new information, so we learned from it and it strengthened us. We didn't always know just exactly how and why Police got around things like silencers, super glue and paperweights, but now we do - cos we've learned.

But those who tell you our Bamber's a naughty egg are telling you the same stuff now as they did nigh-on thirty years ago. There's a good reason for that: like all those wives-tales and child-beliefs, it's all a load of HOBNOB, if you know what I mean? Do love a Hobnob, good with a brew.

They can't change the record - it's like the Zutons or local radio, they've got no new stuff! They'll tell you Jeremy hid the phone (he didn't), he wore a wet-suit (he didn't), he climbed through a window (he didn't), there was Sheila's blood in the moderator (there wasn't), he talked about killing them all (he didn't) and was found sat in the corner of a darkened room feasting on stale bread and cold mashed potato..... okay, so perhaps they don't tell you that, but they tell you the rest!

It's as pie in the sky as the world being flat - which it isn't... though a small, merry band of those who made all this happen will soon wish they could fall off and disappear....

Guest Blog: Squinty Eye's Weekly Round-up

Typical view of UK streets thanks to European Court, apparently...

It was like Eurovision all over again on Tuesday when a Political fracas was set off as judges in the European Court of Human Rights ruled by 16 to 1 that those UK prisoners on Whole Life Tariffs were to have reviews inserted into their sentences. Chaos broke out and panic ensued when ‘Joe public’ thought that axe murderers would be on our streets chopping off limbs by the dozen inside 24 hours of the ruling.

The Government’s rather strong reaction to European jurisdiction over UK policies on the penal system was nothing more than a knee jerk reaction. Cameron, Grayling and the Tories, who are even more unpopular than murderers themselves at present, set about with threats of curtailing human rights, I’m sorry, I meant defending the current system of whole life.

The timing of the judgement which took almost 8 months to emerge seemed crucial after the Government was just seen to be getting tough on crime, Theresa May only recently addressing the police federation, to say that any one who kills a police officer will be given whole life, and rightly so.

The baffling aspect of sentencing for killing never ceases to amaze me, it appears that Roy Whiting only received a 50 year sentence for kidnapping and murdering little Sarah Payne, and had his sentenced further reduced by a UK judge by 10 years. Yet shooting two police officers, who are trained to do their jobs and enter the profession knowing there are serious risks to their lives carries a whole life sentence – was Sarah’s life worth less than the two police officers? The justice system fails the victims and the most vulnerable members of our society in every way and further ignores safeguards to protect the innocent victims of miscarriages of justice.

Meanwhile, Jeremy Bamber whose name was banded around continually and who after all carried the high profile publicity in the case, sits for 28 years in prison repeatedly pleading for anyone to listen to the overwhelming evidence showing his innocence. Shh, for this should not be mentioned.

Chris ‘black cap’ Grayling (B.A History, Sussex Uni.) appeared against a backdrop of sunshine, with a head you could fry an egg on, and threw his weight about like a big bad tempered tomato. I was surprised he hadn’t added that all those convicted of any crime at all should be hanged to save the treasury purse whether they were innocent or not. (After all there would be more money to kill innocent civilians in countries with a lot of oil.) Indeed after Grayling’s B&B furore, I’m surprised he didn’t add that anyone Gay should also be ‘hanged by the neck until dead’.

‘Reaper’ Grayling also sits at the head of the ‘independent’ Criminal Cases Review Commission, giving a ministerial stamp to anyone wishing to appeal their conviction, so don’t be surprised if appeals against serious crimes don’t get past his scythe. Nevertheless, if you appeal a parking fine conviction, particularly in the stomping ground of the Royal Grammar School, Bucks, you might find it’s overturned – this important role of the CCRC should not go un-noticed by the Great British Public. Remembering that that MP’s who really do need that pay rise, (to cover the loss of expenses claims) will only be possible because the rest of us workers took pay cuts, job cuts, and already suffered a lot of ‘curtailing’ ourselves. What a very fair system that is.

All cases of appeals against conviction should be heard by a judicial authority not a political one, the evidence in Jeremy Bamber’s case is jaw dropping, and the long political arm will ‘curtail’ justice in every movement it can.

The longer we have to put up with justice run by seedy criminals themselves masquerading as ‘honest’ politicians, the longer crime in the judiciary will continue, but now, even if just for one day, Bamber has had the last laugh, and has at a least seen politics with egg on it’s face once more.

Bamber to (Moon) Walk Free?

Presumably this is how our man Bamber will exit his cell...

 I’ve got a problem.

I woke up this morning, looked at the telly box and saw that Gordon Brown was still Prime Minister. What the bugger am I gonna do?

It gets worse.

Katie Price and Peter Andre are getting divorced, Wogan is quitting the breakfast show, I’ve gone and caught Swine Flu and Michael Jackson has just died!!!! Ahh!

Yes folks, it is 2009 again. Or at least some time around then anyway.

I know this cos David Boutflour tells me so in the newspaper I was using to dab the wee wee out of my cat’s litter box this morning.

Big bad murderer man Jeremy Bamber is in prison you see, and Mr Boutflour suggests there is no chance he should be released for at least another three or four years from now, maybe 2012 or 2013?

He says:  "He should stay in prison unless he is proven innocent or he has served the time suggested by the judge."

Well that’s super news! Cos the Judge said a minimum of 25 years, David. Wakey wakey, It’s actually 2013 and 25 years passed a long, long time ago. Does that mean Jeremy can come out to play now?

 As for “unless he is proven innocent”, well now you’re just being a saucy devil. We got that one sorted many a year ago you silly bean.

Luckily some of us, after all this time, now know stuff that you know, but nobody else does. Isn’t that good fun.

Let’s party, like it’s 1999!! Or should that be 2009??

Guest Blog: Classified Bamber!

CLASSIFIED ADVERTISEMENT: Souvenirs from Tolleshunt D’arcy c/o Any Cop shop in Essex, other outlets Huntingdon Labs, Sandridge labs, Cambs.
For one week only (or maybe 28 years) you too can own your own “Paper Weight Silencer” replica worth £425,000 for the bargain price just £2.99. Yes, this unique Parker Hale MM1 antique from 1985, comes as either a single item (DRB/1) or as a fabulous set of 4 matching paper weights - with their own exhibit reference numbers. Yes classic names such as: DB/1, NB/1 and SBJ/1 and it’s only £4.99 for the entire set! The silencer comes complete with a ‘certificate of authenticity’ known as an ‘exhibit label’ which has been crossed out and resigned by many different forensic scientists, police officers and witnesses. And for only an extra 99p, you too could possess this fabulous second exhibit label also signed by different witnesses, yes that’s different witnesses!	CUSTOMER TESTIMONIES! “I had SBJ/1 on my desk for months, it stopped all fabrications from blowing up in my face for a trial and three police investigations. It’s only a shame I had to hand it to the exhibits officer.” Mr Mick Ainsley of Osea Road Caravan Park Security, Maldon. [formerly DI Ainsley, Essex Police]. “DRB/1 Helped us secure the conviction of Jeremy Bamber so we could claim the estate for ourselves, comes highly recommended.” D, Boutflour, Farmer, Wix.

Move those Goal Posts!

WINNER! When the rules don't apply...

Good news bloggeroos, I’ve gone and won the Lottery!! I’m a millionaire, woooooooo!!!

I was rummaging around in my wallet in the Newsagents the other day to buy some of those delicious herbal sweeties. I go crazy for them, I do. Anyway, I rustled together the necessary change and found an old Lottery ticket. I passed it to the man behind the counter and asked if he’d check the numbers for me – he did, handing it back to me saying that it was worthless and I’d won nowt.

Sad face, yes? Well, this is the good bit. I asked if he had the most recent draw numbers available – he showed them to me and I sighed and said “Ahh well bugger me backwards, if I thought those were gonna be the numbers then I’d have picked them instead!”

I was joking, but his face lit up. He said to me “Well, sir, that’s good enough when you’re playing the Lottery – CONGRATULATIONS, YOU WIN!!” He jumped over the counter and put a big kiss on my cheek. I’m sure I felt his tongue go in my ear but I can’t confirm that.

But anyway, yes, that’s how I did it! All you need to is to go and explain that, had you known what the winning digits were before a draw then you’d certainly have picked them, you win. Easy!

Except..... sad face :-( much like in the fantasy world in which people believe Jeremy Bamber to be guilty, the above is clearly a load of balls. (And not actual winning Lottery balls, either – I do actually mean testicles.) Shall I explain?

Essentially in UK law, the Crown requires a licence to prosecute one of its citizens – this is called an indictment. It’s a formality but is required as it gives the authority to take someone before a court and without one, there can be no prosecution. A bit like plugging in the Blackpool illuminations but forgetting to flick the switch – it might be simple and it might be obvious, but if you don’t do it, you get no light show!

Get this one. There was never, ever a valid indictment in place for Jeremy Bamber despite the fact he has been in jail for close to 30 years.

Jeremy was committed for trial on 7 May ’86, and, according to the law of the land, there should have been an indictment in place “within 28 days commencing with the date of committal.”  Counting the days properly one doesn't have to be a maths genius to see that the indictment MUST have been signed off, on or before 3 June. It was signed on the 4th.

Yes there was an indictment, but it wasn't valid. By a day, by a week, by a year – it’s irrelevant. If I purchased a Lottery ticket on a Sunday with Saturday’s winning numbers, do I still win? No, cos I’m a day late. 

The law states if there is an invalid indictment then ANY proceedings (pleading guilty, pleading innocent, being found to be either by a jury or washing a giraffe’s hair – ANY proceedings) “will be a nullity”, which is defined as “Null and void, worthless, not legally binding.”

Now, of course, the law does allow a technicality here. A trial judge does have the power to correct an invalid indictment providing it is discovered before the start of a trial. But it was not discovered before the trial. How do I know? A letter from the trial judge, almost 20 years later, stated HAD he known about the issue, he would have sorted the mess out anyway and made the necessary rulings so the case could start.

But he did not know about it and did not make the necessary rulings. Sure, he can SAY he would have ruled to iron out the matter in hand but the fact is he didn't – you can’t apply the law of the land 20 years later, retrospectively, just cos you reckon that’s what you’d have done HAD you known this that or the other.

It’s fantasy and shouldn't be allowed to stand. The fact that Jeremy Bamber is completely innocent of his supposed crimes is, for the purposes of this argument at least, is completely irrelevant – if the rules weren't followed properly then it doesn't matter if Jeremy was innocent, guilty, or the heir to the rings of Saturn – the rules still weren't followed. 

Unless the rules don’t matter? In which case, I AM a millionaire! Either way, the plug has well and truly been pulled on the sideshow that put Jeremy in prison. Now he's on his way home.

Bamber, Nipples and a Rubik's Cube...

Hulk Hogan: Like gay-bashing, big in the 80s. Had big boobies...

Remember the Rubik’s Cube? Remember Hulk Hogan? Ghetto Blasters?

All those lovely things we remember with fondness from the 1980s but have since faded from existence… all those things that just died out. We kinda realised that the Rubik’s Cube just cannot be done (okay Justin Bieber can do it apparently but then again he wears a baseball cap so he’s rendered pretty much irrelevant), Hogan had nipples the size of dinner plates and so was always going to struggle and that iPods really are much more nifty and less wearing on the shoulder than the Ghetto Blaster.

So we grew up, evolved with the times and moved on. A little like homophobia indeed – albeit that’s only a slightly more serious level… I mean purely that it is no longer and should never have been acceptable to question someone or label them negatively because of their sexuality. Look back at that sentence and most of us quiver with embarrassment that it was ever ‘the norm’ for this ever to have been permitted.

Homophobia should have died out with the dinosaurs let alone in the 80s yet in the case of Mr Jeremy Bamber it was still rife – hardly acceptable at all and yet even more bizarre when you consider Jeremy isn’t even gay, right?

Twas just another attempt by police to blacken his character… you know, because to be gay is to be a bad sort, to be gay is to be wrong and evil and anyone who is gay must surely be capable of mass murder, yes. HELLO??! Can anyone hear me?! How did they ever get away with that one??

That the police would have you believe Jeremy killed his family for money or killed them using a silencer despite standing outside next to police at the time is one thing but to try and effectively suggest “he’s a poof, so obviously is a bad dude” is horrendous, prehistoric, disturbed and just wrong.

Quotes from the time include, with reference to Jeremy:

- “He fell in with criminal and Homosexual company”
- “He met the witness Brett Collins who is homosexual”
- He had an "un-savoury homosexual character."

Yes now I know that around that time it was not just police who were guilty of this attitude towards gay people and that it was a problem with society has a whole but it still shows you just how wrong the whole thing was.

“…Yes my lord, I have to admit I didn’t think Jeremy was the killer but then Inspector Morse told me he reckons Bamber might be a homo so then that’s when I knew he must ‘ave done it.”

Might not be an accurate quote but it’s a plausible one given the police record of accuracy in this case.

I guess they thought ‘mud sticks.’  I guess it does. But then again, so does innocence. I know which I believe in.

Anyway, best be off. Time to raid Hogan’s bra drawer for a Rubik’s Cube!

5,000 So Soon?

 

 Alright there my blogger mates? Just thought I would pop my head around the door and see how we were doing and make brief mention of the number 5,000.

 Five thousand indeed. What's that, you say? "Is that number of reasons I can count to say that Jeremy Bamber is innocent?" Nope. Close, but nope.

" Is that the number of fabricated lies, stories and fantasies spread by Police, ex girlfriend, Jessica Fletcher and Hercule Poirot?"  Well, you're getting warmer but nope.

"5,000, Mr Blogger man, is that the number of approximate attempts it takes to spell 'scene' correctly in the Annual Essex Police Spelling Bee?" That's VERY good! But not the one I'm after...

 No, no... 5,000 is the number of page views this here blog has had since we started the whole thing and began taking the royal p*ss out of people who should really, really have known better 27 years ago than to start messing about with something so seriously. A modest start. but it'll do.

Sadly for you naughty guys and gals, though: it may have taken 27 years but the truth is finally getting out. The clock ticks, the tide turns, and you, my lovelies, are screwed! Oops!

Bamber, Time Lord...

Ahh the Back to the Future films. Remember them? One of the best things to come out of the 80s, cinematically.

You remember, it was all good stuff. Boy goes back in time, has his mother fall in love with him instead of his father and then they help send a police car out to White House Farm in Essex cos the Big Bad Wolf of Tolleshunt D'Arcy, Jeremy Bamber has killed his entire family.

That’s how it went, wasn’t it? That’s how it seems, anyway. Confused? Well, never fear my bloggeroonies, I shall once again explain all.  We all know out here in the real world that Jeremy Bamber did not kill his family. Ironically his biggest crime was in not killing them – purely because, in being innocent, he’s far too big a risk to the lawmakers of the land and so sits in jail for nearly a third decade.

Log of Jeremy's call to police

Anyhow...... Have a look at this – it’s a call, made by Jeremy to police from his home which is about ten or so minutes away from where the tragedy took place. You can see here that he explains that his father called him in a panic saying that things had clearly got out of hand – Jeremy asks for help. Simple enough there.

Jeremy's father Nevill contacts police

 Now look at this one. It’s a telephone call made by Jeremy’s father, Nevill, to police around about ten minutes before Jeremy’s one to Police. It says that his “daughter” had gone “berserk” with a gun and so understandably required Police assistance. Simple enough there.

Yet Jeremy Bamber is the man in prison. Why for, you wonder? Well, because police claim that Jeremy lied and that his father never did call him and that when he [Jeremy] called police to say so, he was telling porkies. To explain the second log, from Nevill, they claim it was merely an officer copying down what Jeremy had claimed Nevill had told him and giving that call its own record. Why police would feel the need to make retrospective record of a call when neither participant was the Police is beyond me.

 Now, there are about 403 reasons why the above is a load of old toff and why Nevill’s call to police was exactly that.  I want to make this very simple though. Look at both logs carefully. You can see that Jeremy, as detailed by Police, called them at 3:36am. Look now at Nevill’s log. You can see that police dispatched a car (CA7) to the scene at 3:35am. Answer me this – if Nevill did NOT call the police and the only call the police took that night was from Jeremy, to what, where and why did they dispatch a police car one minute before they even received that call?

The answer is simple. It was Doc and Marty McFly. They’d seen it all in the future and decided to call the coppers in advance of Jeremy’s call to try and help out a bit. It’s Back to the Future and an episode of the Bill and Dr Who all in one baby! That's right, sod the TARDIS you mother, give me a cop car!

Or.... back in the real world – Police dispatched the car because Nevill Bamber, fearing for the lives of himself, wife, daughter and grandsons, desperately called them for help. It’s the call that they tried to hide – the ‘Nevill Call Log’ took almost 20 years to surface – and it’s since been the call they’ve tried to cover up.  No more.