Tuesday, 21 January 2014

Bews' Views - Tell Me Whatcha See!

Hello. Two in as many days you lucky people you.

I always say there are a number of reasons why we know that Jeremy Bamber shouldn't be in jail – the chief reason being that he didn't kill his family for starters, and you’d think that would be enough!

But there are more, including the fact that Jeremy’s version of what happened outside the house when he stood next to police has never changed once – not one single time, in the last near-30 years. So you’d reckon Jeremy might top Nelly the Elephant in the memory stakes. His recall is good.

Now you would reckon that, were he a guilty man, then the Police account would be the one that stands steadfast instead of having more holes than a sieve. Alas, this proves not to be the case at all. But don’t take my word for it. Have a watch of this, courtesy of PC Bews - one of the officers on duty at WHF that fateful night:

What do you make of that then? Now, if Jeremy was the one who ‘saw’ it and was the one who tried to persuade people, it might reflect (no pun intended) badly on him. A diversion, evil Bamber, a ruse, a distraction, a red herring! But if it really was Jeremy, then why does PC Bews recall in another interview that, not only was it his actually his fellow officer who saw it, but also that he had an entire conversation with him about it!

You might forget what colour shoes you were wearing after 30 years or what colour the front door was – you might have thought it was a hedgehog you trod in running around the outside of the house, throwing shapes to the sound of ‘Dancing in the Moonlight’ when in actual fact it was dog shit. But to ‘mistakenly’ recall an entire conversation with a fellow officer at one of the most crucial points of the most notable night of your career? No, I’m afraid not. He recalls the conversation because that’s how it happened. 

Jeremy, I'm afraid, saw nothing – in that sense at least. And they didn't actually bop about on the White House Farm lawns to ‘Dancing in the Moonlight,’ either –cos there was no moonlight that night, being an overcast affair.

A trick of the light with no light source? Doubtful. Movement inside the house, proving Jeremy’s innocence? I fear so. Bews’ Views may have changed more times than we can count over the years  but alas, he’s been backed up and mean old Jeremy has been told he must stop picking on him about it.

I reckon, like Nelly the Elephant, it’s about time we all packed our trunks and said goodbye to the circus. Nominations for the cannonball, anyone??!

Monday, 20 January 2014

Beadle Bamber!


Poor old Jeremy. Beadle, that is. He's dead now, lord rest his soul.  Which is a pity, cos the nation was robbed of seeing his greatest ever 'Beadle's About' prank.

It happened a year or so before the show started being shown on the telly. It was 1985 and Beadle and his chums were cruising round Essex trying to pick up the ladies... Rolling around town, elbows out the window, tops off and stereos up. Got the picture? Good.

Well, just as some of Picasso's early scribblings were about as impressive as a noodle on a poodle, it turned out that some of Beadle's 'pranks' weren't too clever, either. Like the one that never saw the light of day from White House Farm.

They weren't even supposed to be there. They were probably due to head to the nearest railway line to tie a lady to the track then cut her loose just as the steam engine whizzed passed her bum. She squeals, punches Beadle then realises the hilarity of it all when he discovers it was a prank and ends up rolling about laughing.

Instead they ended up a White House Farm, dressed as firearms officers. They were seemingly unaware of the real-life tragedy that saw members of a family killed and ended up making a right arse of affairs. They smashed through the door with a sledgehammer for some reason, started a food fight with a bowl of sugar and played Hunt the Thimble using sound moderators. Not clever!

All of it was recorded, too. Not only on audio but on the cameras built into their 'firearms' vests. Of course when they realised the error of their ways they took all the incriminating evidence and sent it off the Motorway and set fire to it, or something. So the world would be none the wiser and Beadle would get his TV show!

Well... of course, 90% of that is HOBNOB. I'm fairly sure Beadle wasn't involved that fateful night. It unfortunately wasn't filmed with vest cameras - though had it happened nowadays it might well have been, given that that's how firearms teams are to be equipped going forward.

The bits that are true, though?   That'd be the bit where the firearms team did make an absolute arse of things, did smash the door down with a sledgehammer. Police did record the audio of the whole thing and that evidence was destroyed. All fact.  The truest fact of all? Jeremy Bamber is in prison for killing his entire family and the world knows he didn't do it. It's so farcical that not even Beadle would've touched it with a bargepole. And that's saying something - he convinced one woman that the aliens had landed in her garden!

Honestly, it's out of this world...