Friday, 16 August 2013

Guest Blog: The Daily Knobbler - 08/09/1955

Jeremy ‘The Flash’ Bamber in BMX Row.

THERE IS much speculation over how Jeremy ‘The Flash’ Bamber, who murdered his family, got to and from the scene in 9 minutes. It is suspected that he was aided by ET (Speilberg’s Extra Terrestrial,) and a team of boys on BMX bicycles.

Witness, Mr Dolly Pargeter, a cousin, told the Daily Knobble in and exclusive interview, “Yeah man I was just snorting up another line when I saw Jeremy Bamber flying over the village of Tolleshunt D’arcy with an alien like creature wearing a sheet. I had to rub my eyes when I saw him dropping off pre arranged drugs deal in an air drop.”

It is believed that torches found in hedges in the surrounding area were used to guide in the BMX’s which were still being peddled by Bamber and his cronies as they left the scene flying up to 30 metres above ground level.

Related News

What's that Mr Boutflour? Bamber's wasn't THAT kinda wet suit? Ohh...
It was also reported that a flying ‘Wet Suit’ rained down from the midnight sky and slapped Mr Robert Boutflour in the face as he sat fabricating his accounts so people would believe he wasn’t poor and wasn’t living off money from his mother in law. Mr Boutflour, was in fact such a rubbish farmer that he couldn’t afford to buy his own daughter’s land when she and her husband fell into financial difficulty. Instead the Boutflour’s and Eaton’s had to go ‘cap in hand’ to the late Nevill Bamber to bail out the couple, buying their land in a secret contract before he died. This was unknown to Jeremy Bamber and the jury wont be told this when they specifically ask if Mr Boutflour has motive to lie in court.

Mr Boutflour told The Daily Knobbler, “I thought to myself God almighty, if the boys down at the Masonic Lodge find out I’ve got no cash and I’m scabbing off the mother in law I shall be black balled. So I had to make some s**t up. I didn’t want to over egg the pudding too much but Jeremy Bamber is a ‘quee-ar’, looks like a queue-ar and sounds like a quee-ar, and as far as I am concerned he told me that he was going to shoot his family . . . .  when we were alone of course. It’s ‘in the bag’ because one of the old boys at the lodge is the N & J Bamber company solicitor, so he will ‘sort it’ for me.”

EXCLUSIVE VIDEO: Mr Boutlfour and his Solicitor discuss the fact that Bamber is probably a Quee-ar... You know, cos that's relevant. Well, that and bullsh*t!!

Monday, 5 August 2013

Flat Planet's Guilty Myth

Where the other half presumably live...
Hello blog lovers.

It's funny, isn't it; how the world changes as the years go by and how our beliefs and fascinations change - we learn the awkward truth about the festive fatty (sorry, still bitter I didn't get that set of pink fluffy handcuffs that one time), the tooth fairy and the like. It's been the same all through time - lest we forget at one stage we all believed the earth was flat and that we'd all fall off if we travelled far enough. I could name thousands!

Our man Bamber's case is a bit like that you know, except over time some of us have become a lot better at growing out of certain myths than others. For instance:

- You know that dragonflies don't sew your lips shut - they don't have any needles, silly.
- You know you won't really become a zombie if you don't hold your breath when you pass a cemetery (seriously).
- You know your face won't stick that way if you pull a funny face as the wind changes (though I know of a lady's that has and she ain't never comin round to change my bedsheets...)

It's all just stuff people want you to keep believing. So why is that the silly sausages of the guilty brigade still try and shove decades' old horse crap into our faces?

You see, we didn't always know for a fact that Nevill, Jeremy's father, called the Police. But then the facts of the matter arrived and we discovered that he did.  It was new information, so we learned from it and it strengthened us. We didn't always know just exactly how and why Police got around things like silencers, super glue and paperweights, but now we do - cos we've learned.

But those who tell you our Bamber's a naughty egg are telling you the same stuff now as they did nigh-on thirty years ago. There's a good reason for that: like all those wives-tales and child-beliefs, it's all a load of HOBNOB, if you know what I mean? Do love a Hobnob, good with a brew.

They can't change the record - it's like the Zutons or local radio, they've got no new stuff! They'll tell you Jeremy hid the phone (he didn't), he wore a wet-suit (he didn't), he climbed through a window (he didn't), there was Sheila's blood in the moderator (there wasn't), he talked about killing them all (he didn't) and was found sat in the corner of a darkened room feasting on stale bread and cold mashed potato..... okay, so perhaps they don't tell you that, but they tell you the rest!

It's as pie in the sky as the world being flat - which it isn't... though a small, merry band of those who made all this happen will soon wish they could fall off and disappear....