Monday, 22 September 2014

Give us some.....privacy?

It's often said that "Google is your friend."

You must have heard it. When you need to know something reasonably obscure, like 'How much does a traffic cone weigh?' or 'Can a goldfish sing?', you'll often hear it said - Google is your friend. Indeed it is. I found the answers to both those questions ('up to 4.5kg' and 'yes' are apparently the answers??).

However it seems that if you want to take a non-literal stroll down Pages Lane in Essex and pop in for a virtual brew at White House Farm, you cannot.  Which is a shame, really.  Here's how it looked when a couple of friendly coppers were standing guard by the entrance to Pages Lane the afternoon after Jeremy Bamber supposedly killed his family:

So I decided I'd take to Google Maps and get myself down there. Except you can't. Sadly. You get stopped by the entrance to Pages Lane and are allowed go no further, a bit like 1985 all over again. :-(

Might it just simply be that Pages Lane is a private road and thus Mr Google was not allowed to take his camera car down there? Might it be that those now living at White House Farm (about a mile or so down and on the right - all publicly available information...) just want some privacy and to be left alone to their thoughts after all this time?

Well it appears not. Those crazy critters love a good camera! In fact, they've opened up the doors to White House Farm for so many documentaries that it's a wonder they don't stick a cafe in there and have everyone in for scones.  Look - here's Ann Eaton with one crew near the Aga cooker in the White House Farm kitchen:

Trauma and tragedy? It doesn't look like it. She'll show you what you need to know. Not sure what the caption here is but it may be she's saying  "My nails made this one, and we used a fork for the other one..." I obviously couldn't comment.

So if it isn't privacy they want, why can I not take Google for a ride? Have they something to hide?

I might well ask Google - it knows the answers to the craziest things, after all. I just typed in "How was Jeremy Bamber ever found guilty and why is his still in jail?"

The explanation is about as believable as a singing goldfish!

Monday, 5 May 2014

Guest Blog: De Miller's Tale....


De Miller’s Tale 
Tolleshunt D’arcy Tales - by Jeffri Saucer

Twas in the in ye summer of ‘85
that there Bamber did shoot his familie,
I was in the farm house the day o’ the killin’
And I distinctly remembers,
That the laydie in question,
had a gun which had moved
each time I laid mine eye upon her.
I was a scratchin’ my head
because she’d been dead
For at least seven hours or Morse.

At first it was fun to be movin’ the gun
While we set about training our troops.
But we did look a bit thick
To find in our tricks
The camera had recorded them all.
From the body to window,
To the bed to the floor,
Did the gun move around
And much more.

Then after that date,
as statement I made
Leaving out true the notes
of my pocket book for sure.
Much later on when Dickinson he dun,
A review of the case some more,
The cat out o’ the bag did come,
From our own firearms boys
That the body had moven’ it’s self some more.

Then in ‘91 when,
I was almost done
For perverting the course of justice,
We was lucky enough,
to get one of ye olde friends,
From down City o’ London Police our way.
They beavered away,
with Barry McKay,
and wiped all away,
Our corruption charges hooray!

And so ends my tale
without going beyond the pale,
That appeal courts and nonsense
will never catch me by the tail,
I never left a good enough trail,
But I’ve made a few quid out of
Dr Who and Dickie Bows too.

Unlike in Chaucer
there has been no debaucher
no, bottoms, nor bums nor glee,
but it’s ok for me cos I get on T.V
to make more silver for me!

Tuesday, 1 April 2014

You'll Never Believe It!!

Have you heard the news? What a crazy day…

First I heard on the radio that we now have to eat SEVEN portions of fruit and vegetables per day to maintain a healthy lifestyle, upgraded from five.

Then I saw in my newspaper that chickens are starting to lay square eggs… Horrendous!

And now I’ve just discovered that we’re jailing innocent men… What’s going on there?

Word has it that, back in 1985, a young mother suffering from mental illness tragically took the lives of her parents and children before her own. Unbelievably traumatic, yes. But, without the support mechanisms that many of those in her condition would benefit from nowadays, it is not entirely unfathomable.

Anyway… soon after, folks started poking the finger at her brother, Jeremy. Not seemingly for any particular reason – i.e. him actually committing the offences  - but more likely out of either shame, embarrassment, greed or any share of the above.

In any case, I hear this Jeremy ended up in jail, and is still there! This despite the fact that he managed to apparently kill five persons (his own family in their own home, don’t forget) without leaving a single trace of evidence.

A fair few people buggered up and fluffed their lines here so tracks needed to be covered (like bicycle tracks in mud, only there weren’t any), lies needed to be told and corruption needed to be committed! Oh yeah it sounds like they had a right old knees-up making sure he took the fall.

What an affair. Flying bikes, wet suits, clocks that work backwards, tricks of the light, musical telephones and a bowl of sugar. And you did read me right – this was back in 1985. Nearly 30 years ago!

Okay, okay. APRIL FOOLS!!!!

 This news story was also not quite true...

Hahaha! Did I get you?? Sorry, I just couldn’t hold it in any more. I’ve just actually wet myself!

Come on. You didn’t actually think we’d jail someone for life for murdering five members of his own family without any evidence or fact to base the conviction on, did you?

You didn’t genuinely believe that the half-cocked, Jeremy-has-horns HOBNOB theories did you?

No, no. You silly beans. That sort of thing doesn’t happen in the real world. Happy April Fools, everyone!

Tuesday, 21 January 2014

Bews' Views - Tell Me Whatcha See!

Hello. Two in as many days you lucky people you.

I always say there are a number of reasons why we know that Jeremy Bamber shouldn't be in jail – the chief reason being that he didn't kill his family for starters, and you’d think that would be enough!

But there are more, including the fact that Jeremy’s version of what happened outside the house when he stood next to police has never changed once – not one single time, in the last near-30 years. So you’d reckon Jeremy might top Nelly the Elephant in the memory stakes. His recall is good.

Now you would reckon that, were he a guilty man, then the Police account would be the one that stands steadfast instead of having more holes than a sieve. Alas, this proves not to be the case at all. But don’t take my word for it. Have a watch of this, courtesy of PC Bews - one of the officers on duty at WHF that fateful night:

What do you make of that then? Now, if Jeremy was the one who ‘saw’ it and was the one who tried to persuade people, it might reflect (no pun intended) badly on him. A diversion, evil Bamber, a ruse, a distraction, a red herring! But if it really was Jeremy, then why does PC Bews recall in another interview that, not only was it his actually his fellow officer who saw it, but also that he had an entire conversation with him about it!

You might forget what colour shoes you were wearing after 30 years or what colour the front door was – you might have thought it was a hedgehog you trod in running around the outside of the house, throwing shapes to the sound of ‘Dancing in the Moonlight’ when in actual fact it was dog shit. But to ‘mistakenly’ recall an entire conversation with a fellow officer at one of the most crucial points of the most notable night of your career? No, I’m afraid not. He recalls the conversation because that’s how it happened. 

Jeremy, I'm afraid, saw nothing – in that sense at least. And they didn't actually bop about on the White House Farm lawns to ‘Dancing in the Moonlight,’ either –cos there was no moonlight that night, being an overcast affair.

A trick of the light with no light source? Doubtful. Movement inside the house, proving Jeremy’s innocence? I fear so. Bews’ Views may have changed more times than we can count over the years  but alas, he’s been backed up and mean old Jeremy has been told he must stop picking on him about it.

I reckon, like Nelly the Elephant, it’s about time we all packed our trunks and said goodbye to the circus. Nominations for the cannonball, anyone??!

Monday, 20 January 2014

Beadle Bamber!


Poor old Jeremy. Beadle, that is. He's dead now, lord rest his soul.  Which is a pity, cos the nation was robbed of seeing his greatest ever 'Beadle's About' prank.

It happened a year or so before the show started being shown on the telly. It was 1985 and Beadle and his chums were cruising round Essex trying to pick up the ladies... Rolling around town, elbows out the window, tops off and stereos up. Got the picture? Good.

Well, just as some of Picasso's early scribblings were about as impressive as a noodle on a poodle, it turned out that some of Beadle's 'pranks' weren't too clever, either. Like the one that never saw the light of day from White House Farm.

They weren't even supposed to be there. They were probably due to head to the nearest railway line to tie a lady to the track then cut her loose just as the steam engine whizzed passed her bum. She squeals, punches Beadle then realises the hilarity of it all when he discovers it was a prank and ends up rolling about laughing.

Instead they ended up a White House Farm, dressed as firearms officers. They were seemingly unaware of the real-life tragedy that saw members of a family killed and ended up making a right arse of affairs. They smashed through the door with a sledgehammer for some reason, started a food fight with a bowl of sugar and played Hunt the Thimble using sound moderators. Not clever!

All of it was recorded, too. Not only on audio but on the cameras built into their 'firearms' vests. Of course when they realised the error of their ways they took all the incriminating evidence and sent it off the Motorway and set fire to it, or something. So the world would be none the wiser and Beadle would get his TV show!

Well... of course, 90% of that is HOBNOB. I'm fairly sure Beadle wasn't involved that fateful night. It unfortunately wasn't filmed with vest cameras - though had it happened nowadays it might well have been, given that that's how firearms teams are to be equipped going forward.

The bits that are true, though?   That'd be the bit where the firearms team did make an absolute arse of things, did smash the door down with a sledgehammer. Police did record the audio of the whole thing and that evidence was destroyed. All fact.  The truest fact of all? Jeremy Bamber is in prison for killing his entire family and the world knows he didn't do it. It's so farcical that not even Beadle would've touched it with a bargepole. And that's saying something - he convinced one woman that the aliens had landed in her garden!

Honestly, it's out of this world...