Pass the Toast, Jezza!

Killin' makes ya hungry, apparently...

Hello my beauties!

Here’s a question for ya – how do you spot a murderer? Someone who has killed. Murder weapon? Forensics? Confession? Dead body (or bodies, but let’s not start that again!)?

No – none of those things. How one really spots a killer is the mighty epic that is the beloved full English breakfast. It is renowned, it is plentiful and lordy lord it is deadly. You’ve gotta be a bad man to get involved with that sort of thing.

You may ask how I know this... You may suggest that you sat down at your nan’s kitchen table the other day and scoffed one yet the only thing you’ve ever managed to kill was that spider wot crawled up your inside leg when you was in the shower that one morning. But it don’t make you a murderer, you protest.

Well, how I know this is the case of Mr Jeremy Bamber. The Guilty Warriors (happy chaps they are, too) tell us that bad man Bamber sat down and revelled in a full cooked breakfast in the company of police offers after murdering his entire family.

They tell us that Bamber sat down at his own kitchen table, thrashed around the red sauce and baked beans and chomped on sausage and egg whilst chatting away to the noble officers from our finest police force – cursing the minor inconvenience earlier in the day of having to take up valuable eating time with the death of his loved ones. They tell us he wore a cheesy grin through bites of grilled tomato and belly-laughed at the whole affair.

So there you go – the full English is the killer’s breakfast.

Which is fine, all except for the fact that it’s all a load of old bollocks. For one point, the fact that you might eat a full English after learning of the death of your whole family hardly makes you responsible for killing them. We all deal with grief in different ways, after all. I don’t think I’d eat after bad news, but some might.

But it’s hogwash for a big reason – the closest Jeremy Bamber got to a ‘full cooked breakfast’ on the  morning in question was about as close as he got to killing them – i.e. not very! Study the FACTS (cos we’re fact fans at this ‘ere blog) and speak to the officers themselves and they’ll begrudgingly tell you that, back at his home and in the company of police, Bamber was offered old, past-its-best whisky which duly made him sick.

To stop him heaving his guts up, they suggested he might well eat something. Jeremy then went into his kitchen and cooked in the microwave the only thing he could find – two pieces of bacon. Prompted, he then put this between two pieces of bread to form what many of us call a sandwich. Yes, that’s right – a sandwich of microwaved bacon. He barely even managed to finish that, under their watchful eye and in virtual silence.

So what do you think? Shall we listen again to the propaganda and just stick with what seems to fit what many people will have us believe about Jeremy? Or shall we believe that, oddly, after knowing his entire family had just been gunned down, he actually didn’t feel like doing much at all – especially eating.

The full English might well be the breakfast of killers – it might just be why Jeremy went without one!