Countdown Conundrum!

 
I was sitting in the bath the other night playing with my rubber duck – I do that cos I’m too cool for school. While I was all suds and rub-a-dub-dub, I had a wonderful moment, a Eureka! moment... I knew, then and there, how I could free the innocent Jeremy Bamber after 27 years in prison. I knew what and who I need in an instant of perfect clarity.

So, you ask me, what is it you need, mystery flippant blogger man? A confession? Those audio tapes of the phone calls to and from White House Farm wot never existed? No! What I need, readers, is Carol sodding Vorderman!

What a woman she is. Jolly pleasant on the eye and a super-sharp when it comes to words and numbers and that. I thought to myself, surely if we could recruit this fine lady then we may finally be able to assist the fine darlings involved on the night of the tragedies who, bless them, have a little problem with their mathematics.

Now we must not jab or be spiteful. We’re all good at something. I’m good at blogging (that’s why you’re here), you’re good at reading blogs (that’s why I’m here), and some police officers – albeit not many, are very good at concealing the truth. What some officers aren’t good at though, is counting.

Counting sheep? Troublesome. Counting the amount pesky young oiks who stole a lot of jammy dodgers from the corner shop? Tricky. Dead bodies indeed? That’s just impossible!

Don’t just believe me, though. As the maths exams always used to tell you: “always show your working out.”  And here we can see the scribbling of the fine Police folk who just can’t seem to decide how many bodies there were downstairs and upstairs in the farm.
 
In fact, these statements seem quite clear and reasonably consistent – lots of officers report two bodies downstairs (cos there were), and three bodies upstairs (cos there were.) But then they started to get flustered and decided they just didn’t know anymore. NO, they said, there was just the one body downstairs and four more upstairs. (Yes, it seems incredibly that each and every single one of them had got it wrong and were in fact mistaken!).

What do you think?

I think the truth is pretty clear -  they made note of two bodies (downstairs) because that’s exactly what they saw and nothing can change that, however hard some have tried.

Alas, the lovely Vorderman is no doubt a bit too busy to help me. So I’ve decided to invest in an abacus for the Police. Two, actually. One so they can count bodies, and the second so they can work out how many days it is until their near 30-year lie comes crashing down around them. Now that will be some bloody conundrum, won't it?!!

I guess you could call that a Countdown, eh?  Cue the thinking music, boys, Mr Bamber’s heading home...