Tuesday, 26 February 2013

Cooking with Jeremy

Saw this and thought of you. I was looking through my new book, “Mother Justice’s Cookbook” – got it from a car boot for 10 pence and it’s an absolute scream.

You can cook up all sorts of crazy stuff with this bad boy. I found this on page three (no boobs, just travesty I’m afraid):


-    1 Jeremy Bamber
-    Police officers capable/willing of behaving corruptly (the honest sort are no good)
-    A Sound moderator (Or as many as you like, actually – let’s say 50)
-    Small amounts of animal blood
-    Flecks of red paint – don’t worry if you forget, you can always add these later)
-    I pair of undies in a bucket (Water may or may not be required – just make it up)
-    1 Bag of hoover dust (must be kept in hoover – helps retain taste and texture)
-    A hearty helping of witness/character statements – disregard the positive ones – don’t want those getting out. If any appear positive in any way, edit/change to suit over time.
-    2 whole bullets (if you only have 1 whole one and one fragmented one, just magic the fragmented one back together.)

-    1 rifle - can moved around and photographed in different positions. To suit taste.
-    1 woman scorned. Must be capable of sacrificing justice to save herself.
-    1 Court preservation order. Actually, just ignore and disregard that. Destroy what you want, they'll never know.

How to cook:
-    Waste no time in imprisoning your Bamber. No evidence is actually required – you can just throw together some of the above a while later and it should just about work. Leave in prison for approximately 30 years and do all you can to obstruct justice and cover your tracks.


Proceed with caution – if the instructions above aren’t followed to the fullest, justice may, in the very end prevail and your Bamber may be freed and shown to actually be innocent. This must be avoided at all costs as we’ll all be in a lot of trouble.

Oh crap... can you smell burning in the kitchen??

Sunday, 17 February 2013

A Bullet, Re-Born!

Hello boys and girls – are we sitting comfortably for story time? If so, we shall begin on another tale of magic, yay!

We will begin with another quiz question cos we like those:

How are a CAT and a BULLET alike?

“They both hurt if they catch you,” you ask? Well, it’s a good answer – I wouldn’t care much to feel either a cat’s claw nor a bullet enter my person even if one is more serious than another,  but it’s not the one I’m after!

The real answer is: A bullet and a cat are alike cos they both have more than one life!

At least, it appears one of the bullets in the case of Jeremy Bamber has more than one life. Maybe not the nine lives enjoyed by those lazy, frolicking felines, but certainly more than one.

You see, most bullets would consider it the end of the road if they were to fragment. I mean, after all, if someone scattered an arm of yours here and a leg of yours there and four toes somewhere else, you’d probably be a gonner, too!

But this bullet is special – I’d say miraculous! Fragmenting wasn’t enough to keep this bullet down – like a tale from the Holy Bible (Blogged on that the other day – read it, it’s a belter), the bullet was born again, as perfectly formed and as rounded as the day it was made.

How? you ask... Well I’m afraid you need to ask the Crown Prosecution that. It was one of many of their super-duper magic tricks that helped condemn an innocent man to almost 30 years in jail for crimes he didn’t commit.

Fact - Sheila Caffell suffered two bullet wounds. One bullet lodged in her neck, the other directly into her brain.

Fact – The pathologist who examined Sheila detailed that the first bullet "fragmented on striking the bone.” (extract below).

Fact – In support of the above, this X-Ray – not discovered until after Jeremy’s appeal – clearly shows the bullet has very much fragmented.

X ray showing the fragmented bullet

Yet mysteriously, at trial, the prosecution ballistic experts detailed that BOTH bullets examined for suitability to the murder weapon were whole. How can that be? We’re certain Mr Fletcher is a decent fellow and that he provided said information based on fact i.e. the bullets he examined WERE whole.

So now the situation is this: It’s a FACT that one bullet fragmented inside Sheila’s neck. It’s also a seemingly a FACT that the same bullet was whole when examined for Prosecution purposes. The question being – what happened in the mean time?

We’re aware that the airy-fairy, flimsy case against Jeremy was only even remotely passable if the moderator evidence was proven. Did the swapping of this first bullet fuel this aim? Possibly – that’s the only bit we are guessing – but the bit we are certain of is that it was swapped – and the X-ray proves it.

Like dominoes, another piece of the prosecution case falls. Maybe the Police in this case is effectively one giant cat? I make this about eight-and-a-half lives down, guys. It’d suggest you end this farce once and for all while you still can, before the evidence does it for you!

Wednesday, 6 February 2013

"The One with the Waggly Tail"

Yes! How much IS that rifle in the window?

That's right - I say rifle, not doggy - on account of the fact that this particular entry concerns the murder weapon in the case of Jeremy Bamber rather than fluffy petfolk.

Anyway - I ask how much is that rifle in the window, cos it was clearly hot property and in demand - everyone wanted to hold it, though no one would own up to it of course!

Allow me to do some explaining for you.

The truth: Jeremy Bamber's sister, Sheila, after killing her entire family, took her own life. She shot herself once, in the soft tissue of her neck, but was not killed outright and the case pathologist stated she would have been able to stand and walk. While found unconscious by the Police in the kitchen, she fled while the Police were searching the rest of the huge farmhouse and went upstairs where she would later fire a second shot which killed her instantly. Fully aware that she had killed herself, but also knowing that there was no way it could get out that they mistook her for dead in the kitchen when she was in fact still alive, Police re-staged the scene so it reflected suicide. A small manipulation of the truth in of itself - the suicide still stood - and from here the Police were fine. They photographed her and decided that  it might be nice to get in some Police training and drafted in many more unidentified individuals and officers to practise how an officer might remove a gun from a dead body. All shockingly disrespectful to the dead relative of Jeremy Bamber.

What they'll have you believe: Jeremy Bamber killed each member of his family, Sheila included. Sheila was never found in the kitchen at any stage and was only found in the bedroom (either on the floor or on the bed depending on which log/notebook you read - dead bodies move in the crazy, wacky Police world, you see). It was Jeremy who re-staged the scene to make it look as if Sheila had killed herself so he could get away with murder. Neither her body nor the murder weapon were moved at any time.

How we know version one is "the truth."

The murder weapon, they say, was never off the body of Sheila.

Kay then. What's it doing by this window, then?

 Oh no wait - mere frames earlier in the Police film (seconds or minutes in real time - photos would have been taken at a mass rate for a family murder-suicide), this photo shows it's actually not by the window. We must have imagined it was ever then shown to be by the window. It was on the body the whole time, yes.

In some strange way I almost wish I was making this stuff up - I wish it was me inventing this information and just telling you about it - but these are Police photos - it is the Police logs that record Sheila was found downstairs and it is the Police who maintain neither she nor the gun were moved once they were inside. 

You don't have to take my word for it - the evidence is there. Jeremy Bamber is innocent, and the Police know it.

Saturday, 2 February 2013

Now You See Me...

MURDER SCENE: You don't see me here...

Time for a bit of visual wizardry this afternoon (no, not a “trick of the light” – I’m keeping my powder dry on that bad boy for a while!) and something that will blow your mind.

Okay so picture the scene if you will. Jeremy Bamber, we are told, has battled with his father in a life-and-death struggle in the kitchen of White House Farm. What we are led to believe is that they fought over the murder weapon, attached to which was a sound moderator. During this struggle, said moderator is scraped against the surround of the kitchen Aga – you know, cos the paint that scraped off was found inside moderator about four million years later and that’s how we knew Jeremy was the killer. Sound reasonable? Sound air-tight? Fully factual and cast iron?  Hmm.

We essentially have two sets of photographs – one set of photographs taken of the murder scene, and one taken about a month later.


QUESTION: Guess in which set of photos the scratches to the Aga surround were found?

Yep – well done boys and girls. The additional damage is not present in the photos of the crime scene – but it is indeed present when photos were taken weeks later, by which time Hercule Poirot, Jessica Fletcher and their troops had decided that Jeremy was a guilty man.

QUESTION: Guess which set of photos would help send an innocent man to jail for life?

Well done again you clever shrews. Jeremy Bamber was jailed – seemingly – on the evidence relating to the moderator which included the paint from the Aga surround. A man, jailed, with the help of photos taken a month after a crime was committed, despite the fact that pictures of the actual murder scene differ.

What I don’t understand, is how? Surely the most crucial pictures and the ones to which we should pay most attention are those of the actual murder scene – quite literally, it was the scene of the murder (as the name would suggest) – a month later it was, cruelly, just somebody’s kitchen. Yet somehow the evidence was accepted as mere fact.

But this isn’t just me waffling. The photos are there to be seen now, and photos don’t lie.  A leading photographic expert has painstakingly reviewed the two sets of photos and is convinced that the scratches that helped to convict Bamber were never there in the first set taken – meaning they were made afterward (obviously).

I’m afraid you don’t need to be Poirot or Fletcher to figure this bit out: Jeremy is innocent, and was jailed on fabricated evidence.