Saw this and thought of you. I was looking through my new book, “Mother Justice’s Cookbook” – got it from a car boot for 10 pence and it’s an absolute scream.
You can cook up all sorts of crazy stuff with this bad boy. I found this on page three (no boobs, just travesty I’m afraid):
RECIPE 27: JAILED INNOCENT MAN
Ingredients:
- 1 Jeremy Bamber
- Police officers capable/willing of behaving corruptly (the honest sort are no good)
- A Sound moderator (Or as many as you like, actually – let’s say 50)
- Small amounts of animal blood
- Flecks of red paint – don’t worry if you forget, you can always add these later)
- I pair of undies in a bucket (Water may or may not be required – just make it up)
- 1 Bag of hoover dust (must be kept in hoover – helps retain taste and texture)
- A hearty helping of witness/character statements – disregard the positive ones – don’t want those getting out. If any appear positive in any way, edit/change to suit over time.
- 2 whole bullets (if you only have 1 whole one and one fragmented one, just magic the fragmented one back together.)
- 1 rifle - can moved around and photographed in different positions. To suit taste.
- 1 woman scorned. Must be capable of sacrificing justice to save herself.
- 1 Court preservation order. Actually, just ignore and disregard that. Destroy what you want, they'll never know.
How to cook:
- Waste no time in imprisoning your Bamber. No evidence is actually required – you can just throw together some of the above a while later and it should just about work. Leave in prison for approximately 30 years and do all you can to obstruct justice and cover your tracks.
WARNING:
ABSOLUTELY NO FORENSIC EVIDENCE SHOULD BE USED AT ANY TIME.
Proceed with caution – if the instructions above aren’t followed to the fullest, justice may, in the very end prevail and your Bamber may be freed and shown to actually be innocent. This must be avoided at all costs as we’ll all be in a lot of trouble.
Oh crap... can you smell burning in the kitchen??
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